Why I'm Terrible at Asking for Help (And What Changed)
I'm the helper. Always have been. I jump in when my husband needs something, when friends are struggling, when chaos hits. I pride myself on being reliable, self-reliant, and independent. Asking for help? That's not part of my identity.
Then I had no choice.
When Everything Stopped
A family emergency hit, the kind that puts everything else into sharp perspective. My husband and I had to drop everything and leave. Work meetings got rescheduled. Projects were put on hold. Friends took over our house. And for once, I had to let go.
Having others handle things meant we could actually be present with family. We could focus on what mattered without the mental load of everything back home.
It shouldn't take a crisis to accept help.
Why It's So Hard
I like control. I like things done my way. I struggle to trust that someone else will do it as well as I can. Yes, I know how that sounds, arrogant and conceited. I'm working on it.
I've also been burned. I asked for help in the past and people didn't follow through. Those experiences taught me that doing it myself was safer, more reliable. I realize now I was asking the wrong people.
Even when help was offered without me asking, I'd reject it. Accepting assistance felt like admitting weakness, like I couldn't handle my life, like I was a burden.
The Epiphany That Changed Everything
Here's what hit me: I love helping people. It makes me feel good to support someone, to make a positive difference in their life.
When I reject help from others, I rob them of that same feeling. I send them a message that I don't trust them to be capable.
And here's the other realization: when someone asks me for help, I don't think they're weak or incompetent. I don't think less of them or see them as a burden.
If I don't judge others for needing help, why am I judging myself?
Small Steps Forward
I'm practicing something new: when someone offers help, I pause instead of automatically saying no. I actually consider it.
Over the past few months, I've found myself accepting offers and thanking people.
This might not sound revolutionary, but for me it's huge. I'm learning I don't have to do everything myself. Things still get done, even when I'm not the one doing them. The pressure I've been carrying? I put it there myself.
Letting Go of Control
The hardest part of accepting help is releasing my grip on how things should be done.
When my husband does the dishes or laundry, I let him. I thank him. I fight the urge to explain exactly how I think it should be done. His way isn't worse than mine, it's just different.
Same in my business. When I bring someone in to help with a project, I explain what's needed and what the outcome should be. Then I let it go. No micromanaging.
The Practice Continues
Asking for help is still uncomfortable, but I'm getting better. I start small, running an errand, doing a simple task. Like working a muscle, the more I practice, the stronger it gets.
These small moments add up. Accepting help has noticeably reduced my stress level. It's helping me learn to trust others, which has improved my relationships in ways I didn't expect.
Here's my question for you: Is refusing help actually serving you, or is it creating unnecessary stress? You might find that letting others in makes life a little easier.
I know I did.